June 13, 2011

flooded

This week is turning to be harder than I thought, what was once a dull pain seeping through the cracks is now a loud shout echoing in every inch of my brain. And the finale hasn't even come yet. Where I am today could have been so different. I could  have been curious instead of afraid, happy instead of paranoid. I can no longer turn my back without wondering what is behind me. I thank every sun and every moon each day, each day has been a gift but a hard one to accept. Beautiful amazing people have come into my life, but none that can comprehend or take me away from this pain.
Last night I turned inside myself, closed myself in, I couldn't utter words without crying and I couldn't escape the nightmares that is my reality.
A year ago no one knew where I was, and I think my biggest fear isn't to die, but to die alone without a soul knowing. I cannot leave behind mystery and pain, I want to die with love. And I fear for my life every time I'm alone. No one came to my rescue, my only savior was the recap on all the happiness in my life so that if I died, I would die with no regrets. Living after feeling that has contorted my brain into this toxic and bipolar mess.
A year ago today I was fighting a person who was destroying my heart, in six days a man will have destroyed my life. I don't feel like I've been completely living since then. I can't explain this to the ones I truly love, they see me as back together again, but as I look at the lamp I broke last week, I know I can tediously glue the tiny glass pieces together again, but the bulb together will never completely shine. Never function as it used to.

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