sunday.. or is it monday

the sky is yellow

as it rains off and on.

my first day to myself in many many days. laying in the livingroom with awful back pains and cereal spread all over my new shirt from the festival yesterday. there's been no sun in so long, i forgot what my sun freckles looked like and what dipping my feet in lake water felt like. i wish i had time to tour and explore this country, i want to find a new place to be, whether it be in a few months or a year from now. i am so ready for change. i am dying to meet new people, although by now i have anticipated all kinds of hurt to come from any walk of life. i am just ready to meet something different. but the image of him in the terminal, providing last kisses and promises haunts my dreams and breaks my heart. my road is inevitable, i am supposed to be a traveler, and he is a born-and-raised good-hearted person. there's no fork in this road, simply a confusing map. 

time moves

when you drive me home,

the lights fly faster, the exits come sooner.

i want to hold your hand forever and forget

my ten hour work days, the start of debt,

the fear.

i have been in this new place, washing my dishes,

cleaning my room, loving these new people.

enjoying life back in the cities.

hoping that these nights alone go faster.

i used to think no person could keep me in one spot,

but he has a hold on me, i haven't had enough time with him yet.

i feel like we're on this ride home, knowing he's leaving,

and i have so little time left to hold his hand

as he pulls me through the night.

i don't want those days to end but i cannot stay trapped 

in the forest. i belong on the road, seeing things and 

experiencing all that this world can offer.

i wish i could take him, but i love him so much,

he needs to do what he wants. i only hope as our 

paths diverge or hearts stay on the same road,.

three

three more days.

what i learned and gained here, i do not know.

i have learned maybe this town wasn't right for me.

did i leave with regret? yes, but all of it made me

stronger. so much stronger. 

i feel my blood and bones are made of metal.

whatever happens will not hurt me,

only continue to strengthen me.

had i known a relationship could weaken

my experience, i would not have pursued it.

but in the last three days here there is so much to happen.

so many decisions, so much studying.

i'm off to a new city, hopefully with new people with 

a great insight and beautiful mind. what lacks here.

and fuck you all. you have no idea.

i'll be belting nicki minaj and john mayer

until the last box is packed in the big red truck,

off to my new home and away from this ugliness. 

good luck to you all i have all the opportunities in the world,

i refuse to be trapped in this wind tunnel in the woods.

i hope i make more mistakes, it only helps me figure

out who i really am.

minaj

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
to fly
to fly 

today i am thankful for myself. for my ability to survive,
to surface when people hold chains around me.
i will always see these things as mere pebbles in the road.
didn't you know nothing could bring me down,
did you think i would stand for anything less that what i deserve.
this is my life, if it was ours, i'd feel it.
off i go.
summer breeze, home is calling.

Maktub

From my favorite book, The Alchemist by my 

favorite author Paolo Coelho.

Maktub means fate. Fate is what brought me here,

in this library, filled with knowledge.

With the man I hope is in my future.

We are so capable of experiencing every mood

together, whether it be serious in this library or

throwing eachother into the dirt off the sidewalks.

I'm so fortunate. We both live in different cities,

live different lives, have different stories,

yet we wound up here, ended up in two classes,

met one night, and fell in love. So perfect.

I can picture loving his family, watching Grace his

beautiful hyperactive dog grow old.

I can see wrinkles grow in the face I am blessed

to wake up next to.

So I believe in being blessed, and I believe in something greater than myself.

But I do not believe in God. I believe in being moral, doing selfless things,

because the universe conspires to either help you for doing good, or

against when you fail to do so. 

I believe I must have done something that was so extremely wonderful

to deserve him in my life, and everything else that makes me happy

on a daily basis. My father tells me constantly, you're alive.

So everyday, I prove that fact.

i vow

To never doubt my existence, and to never judge a soul.
To always remember my fortune, and never forget who I am.
In these beautiful short days, I live in so much beauty,
it all lasts seconds. I vow to see each day through with
a spectacle of hope and love towards myself and others.

I will always see how valuable, rich, and hilarious life is.

Because in my life, I am surrounded by beauty.