firecracker

What have I gotten myself into.

Mellllttt

My weekend isn't busy enough to keep things off my mind.

But it's a beautiful day and I have a half day of work,

so I get to do many fun little errands.

You're back in a few days, not sure what to say,

if anything at all. Not sure what you're thinking, saying, doing, feeling.

But it's okay. Even if I need fresh bagels and febreeze I still need

to focus on the little things.

I love waking up with this sun.

Melt me into the ground.

The End of June and Things

My face filled with freckles, my hot and humid week coming to an end.

You seem so far away, farther than Utah. Out of my reach away from my arms.

Although I feel this lump of pain creeping up my throat, I can't help but remember

being sick in bed for days with you, getting help studying for finals and endless

nights and mornings spent with you. I am strong enough to overcome this,

I finally have pride in who I am and no one can take that from me,

even the one I truly loved.

So as my skin darkens and my Summer flies away, if you aren't there,

I will continue to live like I always do. Through the falling leaves

and snow and back again, I have no doubt I will breathe and keep

breathing.

A year ago I made a promise to myself to never hold onto a rope that isn't

there, you're going to fall if you keep reaching out for thin air.

I'm at a crossroads whether or not what we have right now is healthy or

destructive. I used to know when to stop, when to quit. My own dad says I attach to things before they're even my own. But I am hurt right now, and he's not there, nor does he want to be.

It's become a scene in a play I am all too familiar with, and I truly believe I have more self worth than what is portrayed from him. I need someone to make me feel strong, powerful and above all loved.

My actions will surely have consequences, one word will make ten thousand utters from too many mouths. 

My business is my own, and I have to start standing up for myself and do what is best.

letters

I was never stuck in my past, regardless of how happy I once was,

I actually deserved that happiness because

I worked on everything, many jobs, many friends because I put time

in and earned respect and trust.

With hard work I did get most of the things I wanted, but since

when is having friends materialistic? 

I am no princess, my life has been no fairytale, and as of lately,

whatever I work for goes to things you never thought

of at this age.

With all the stress in my life, I hate how you can make

me feel so low for being sad. 

You make it about you, when I'm the one calling

in the first place to say goodnight,

Can't remember the last time I was worth

you dialing my name in your phone, calling just to ask how work was,

knowing fully it was miserable but calling regardless.

Your friends, used to be my friends, and long before you came along,

it was simple, and made sense.

I miss the friends before you changed their minds,

but I'm trying to understand that they weren't good people all along.

Respect that it takes time to move on from that many people.

What I did to you... losing friends never had to be

the punishment, you built an army against me to replace your spine.

Since then, I don't look at you the same.

Your old friends make me upset,

which is the same you can say. How does this work..?

If I'm being short with you, stop making yourself the target.

I wouldn't be calling if I didn't want to be with you.

We can't build off zero trust.

I have faith only because you were the only one 

who would be there day in and day out.

Now you gladly walk out the door.

I have faith because we had something that no one could imitate.

And I have faith because you rise up against all other men.

I don't know how we dug ourselves into this pit.

Either the rain comes and drowns us,

or some sort of miracle gets us out.

I miss the certainty 

and love.

But if time cannot heal this,

if we cannot grow.

Then I would continue

to live, no doubt.

I just didn't picture it being

without you.

happily ever what.

In a deep funk, I can deeply relate to the song,

"She's Only Happy in the Sun". 

I feel like I'm in Seattle. Except I'm stuck in the midwest

without the gorgeous coasts to look out at.

Just stuck. I feel trapped.

I tried to recollect all my favorite souvenirs from 

trips and vacations, truth be told I haven't seen enough

for as old as I am. 

I want to dig toes into white sand and take pictures to

pin up all over my room.

This funk has put me out of the mood for most things in my life.

I only have the desire to work, I want to make money, that's it.

I know money doesn't buy happiness but it buys

plane tickets and food.

I lost my desire to try in this relationship, I stubbornly keep recollecting

the last weeks of school, how much has changed, 

hoping I got over it, when really I brushed it under the rug.

I don't have desire to see these people anymore.

I want to see my brother, this person who understands all without

trying to comprehend, without really having to say anything at all

we can understand. I miss that, or something like it.

Just want the year to roll on by, gathering money and maybe good memories

but always remembering my goals. Goals to get out of here.

flip flop

i cancel plans to be alone. all i really wanted tonight was to relax.
i'm learning how to spend more and more time alone, by myself.
and not really feel that scared.
this year, i will work on every minute, and how there isn't anyone
behind the door, no one in the dark and no one stealing my life.
i have nothing to be proud of except my survival.
my grades aren't good enough to get out of here and into a city
where i belong, and i don't have the money to go the places,
eat the things and buy the treasures i can think of.
i am going to start working on independence, and not just
watching re-runs and falling asleep but making plans,
exploring, taking extra shifts and start going places.
this last year was my recuperating; seeing how much
of me went away, how much i could salvage and what could
make me happy again. now this year i am putting it into action.
i will get the things i want most, because it's the only chance i've
got at putting everything back in order.
i'm accepting my fate again; a future that is mine, no one elses'
and i can do this on my own too.
today i am thankful for my maturity, my strength and
my ability to move on from what pulled me back for so long.

from what

wishlife

if i could plan out the next years where my life would be perfect, it would consist of

having a decent sophomore year, getting my grades up and landing a job somewhere.

after that year, off to University of Massachusetts - Boston for the final two years.

Taking him with me, and leaving everything else.

Finding a small lovely apartment by a park,

having a little car to take me to new places.

With a little dog, and great new people with funny accents.

I know where I want to go.

It just hurts to think of all the road blocks.

One more day of work, then seeing a good friend and hoping this weekend flies past me.

the campus is literally on water. really?

 

we all carry stories.

all of us.

so many beautiful smiles can hide such pain,

and that takes so much strength.

just sitting lazily in the livingroom with my room mate,

eating berries and dark orange chocolate.

i'm thankful for today, for being around everything i need,

thankful for my job for providing me with income

so i can afford to sit around lazily.

thankful for Cinco my little hamster, even though i don't

know if i should keep him anymore, he is still a little smile-maker.

even if he's a little brat with big teeth.

thankful for my roommates, they keep me sane and secure here.

thankful for old old friends who still remember the good old days.

thankful for the love of my life, who puts so much life into me.

thankful for life and the stories and strength that lives in all of us.