June 28, 2011

The End of June and Things

My face filled with freckles, my hot and humid week coming to an end.
You seem so far away, farther than Utah. Out of my reach away from my arms.
Although I feel this lump of pain creeping up my throat, I can't help but remember
being sick in bed for days with you, getting help studying for finals and endless
nights and mornings spent with you. I am strong enough to overcome this,
I finally have pride in who I am and no one can take that from me,
even the one I truly loved.
So as my skin darkens and my Summer flies away, if you aren't there,
I will continue to live like I always do. Through the falling leaves
and snow and back again, I have no doubt I will breathe and keep
breathing.

June 27, 2011

A year ago I made a promise to myself to never hold onto a rope that isn't
there, you're going to fall if you keep reaching out for thin air.
I'm at a crossroads whether or not what we have right now is healthy or
destructive. I used to know when to stop, when to quit. My own dad says I attach to things before they're even my own. But I am hurt right now, and he's not there, nor does he want to be.
It's become a scene in a play I am all too familiar with, and I truly believe I have more self worth than what is portrayed from him. I need someone to make me feel strong, powerful and above all loved.
My actions will surely have consequences, one word will make ten thousand utters from too many mouths. 
My business is my own, and I have to start standing up for myself and do what is best.

June 25, 2011

letters

I was never stuck in my past, regardless of how happy I once was,
I actually deserved that happiness because
I worked on everything, many jobs, many friends because I put time
in and earned respect and trust.
With hard work I did get most of the things I wanted, but since
when is having friends materialistic? 
I am no princess, my life has been no fairytale, and as of lately,
whatever I work for goes to things you never thought
of at this age.
With all the stress in my life, I hate how you can make
me feel so low for being sad. 
You make it about you, when I'm the one calling
in the first place to say goodnight,
Can't remember the last time I was worth
you dialing my name in your phone, calling just to ask how work was,
knowing fully it was miserable but calling regardless.
Your friends, used to be my friends, and long before you came along,
it was simple, and made sense.
I miss the friends before you changed their minds,
but I'm trying to understand that they weren't good people all along.
Respect that it takes time to move on from that many people.
What I did to you... losing friends never had to be
the punishment, you built an army against me to replace your spine.
Since then, I don't look at you the same.
Your old friends make me upset,
which is the same you can say. How does this work..?
If I'm being short with you, stop making yourself the target.
I wouldn't be calling if I didn't want to be with you.

We can't build off zero trust.
I have faith only because you were the only one 
who would be there day in and day out.
Now you gladly walk out the door.
I have faith because we had something that no one could imitate.
And I have faith because you rise up against all other men.
I don't know how we dug ourselves into this pit.
Either the rain comes and drowns us,
or some sort of miracle gets us out.
I miss the certainty 
and love.
But if time cannot heal this,
if we cannot grow.
Then I would continue
to live, no doubt.
I just didn't picture it being
without you.

June 23, 2011

happily ever what.


In a deep funk, I can deeply relate to the song,
"She's Only Happy in the Sun". 
I feel like I'm in Seattle. Except I'm stuck in the midwest
without the gorgeous coasts to look out at.
Just stuck. I feel trapped.
I tried to recollect all my favorite souvenirs from 
trips and vacations, truth be told I haven't seen enough
for as old as I am. 
I want to dig toes into white sand and take pictures to
pin up all over my room.
This funk has put me out of the mood for most things in my life.
I only have the desire to work, I want to make money, that's it.
I know money doesn't buy happiness but it buys
plane tickets and food.
I lost my desire to try in this relationship, I stubbornly keep recollecting
the last weeks of school, how much has changed, 
hoping I got over it, when really I brushed it under the rug.
I don't have desire to see these people anymore.
I want to see my brother, this person who understands all without
trying to comprehend, without really having to say anything at all
we can understand. I miss that, or something like it.
Just want the year to roll on by, gathering money and maybe good memories
but always remembering my goals. Goals to get out of here.



June 17, 2011

flip flop

i cancel plans to be alone. all i really wanted tonight was to relax.
i'm learning how to spend more and more time alone, by myself.
and not really feel that scared.
this year, i will work on every minute, and how there isn't anyone
behind the door, no one in the dark and no one stealing my life.
i have nothing to be proud of except my survival.
my grades aren't good enough to get out of here and into a city
where i belong, and i don't have the money to go the places,
eat the things and buy the treasures i can think of.
i am going to start working on independence, and not just
watching re-runs and falling asleep but making plans,
exploring, taking extra shifts and start going places.
this last year was my recuperating; seeing how much
of me went away, how much i could salvage and what could
make me happy again. now this year i am putting it into action.
i will get the things i want most, because it's the only chance i've
got at putting everything back in order.
i'm accepting my fate again; a future that is mine, no one elses'
and i can do this on my own too.
today i am thankful for my maturity, my strength and
my ability to move on from what pulled me back for so long.

from what

wishlife

if i could plan out the next years where my life would be perfect, it would consist of
having a decent sophomore year, getting my grades up and landing a job somewhere.
after that year, off to University of Massachusetts - Boston for the final two years.
Taking him with me, and leaving everything else.
Finding a small lovely apartment by a park,
having a little car to take me to new places.
With a little dog, and great new people with funny accents.
I know where I want to go.
It just hurts to think of all the road blocks.


One more day of work, then seeing a good friend and hoping this weekend flies past me.

the campus is literally on water. really?

 

June 14, 2011

we all carry stories.
all of us.
so many beautiful smiles can hide such pain,
and that takes so much strength.
just sitting lazily in the livingroom with my room mate,
eating berries and dark orange chocolate.
i'm thankful for today, for being around everything i need,
thankful for my job for providing me with income
so i can afford to sit around lazily.
thankful for Cinco my little hamster, even though i don't
know if i should keep him anymore, he is still a little smile-maker.
even if he's a little brat with big teeth.
thankful for my roommates, they keep me sane and secure here.
thankful for old old friends who still remember the good old days.
thankful for the love of my life, who puts so much life into me.
thankful for life and the stories and strength that lives in all of us.






June 13, 2011

flooded

This week is turning to be harder than I thought, what was once a dull pain seeping through the cracks is now a loud shout echoing in every inch of my brain. And the finale hasn't even come yet. Where I am today could have been so different. I could  have been curious instead of afraid, happy instead of paranoid. I can no longer turn my back without wondering what is behind me. I thank every sun and every moon each day, each day has been a gift but a hard one to accept. Beautiful amazing people have come into my life, but none that can comprehend or take me away from this pain.
Last night I turned inside myself, closed myself in, I couldn't utter words without crying and I couldn't escape the nightmares that is my reality.
A year ago no one knew where I was, and I think my biggest fear isn't to die, but to die alone without a soul knowing. I cannot leave behind mystery and pain, I want to die with love. And I fear for my life every time I'm alone. No one came to my rescue, my only savior was the recap on all the happiness in my life so that if I died, I would die with no regrets. Living after feeling that has contorted my brain into this toxic and bipolar mess.
A year ago today I was fighting a person who was destroying my heart, in six days a man will have destroyed my life. I don't feel like I've been completely living since then. I can't explain this to the ones I truly love, they see me as back together again, but as I look at the lamp I broke last week, I know I can tediously glue the tiny glass pieces together again, but the bulb together will never completely shine. Never function as it used to.

June 9, 2011

my life has become a boring pop song and everyone is singing along

All my thoughts wasted, all of my gas gone.
My seconds being ripped from me, torn from me.
Because you thought it would be worth it.
You weren't. If my nights are spent back in my lovely
little apartment, at least i'm with kind room mates, good food,
no family struggles and my own mind to work out.
After what you did to it.
 If I detached myself from everyone who shouldn't be in my life,
I might be alone. I settle.
And while my nauseus stomach is rolling every day, and my
anxiety is mutliplying by the day, I can only hope it will all get better.

June 7, 2011

was once stuck in the 90s

nineties and now


jelly shoes - ten inch ankle breaking shit
fresh prince - housewives
goo goo dolls - lady gaga
fountain pony tails - extensions and chicken feathers
freedom - bank account
summers - nine to five, five days a week
imagination - cluster fuck
tricycle - $4.00 for gallon of gas
not trying - never amounting to anything
simplicity - frustration
open minded - broken heart
birthday cake - annorexia
fire fighter, cop, superhero - failing economy
dreams - reality


June 6, 2011

tangled up in blue



My mind is in knots. Every aspect of my life has it's own cluster, each memory has a thousand roads, and every person I know seems to have a novel of a past with me. There are scientists trying to find drugs to erase memories, I feel like in my case, I'm a perfect candidate because I could surely let go of some.
I wish I could forget the bind I have with people, and how I'm so weak with forgiving, so fast to forget but never really move on. This hold on my is like a thousand strings pulling at my heart, not in a hurry to let me be.
Nothing can ever be enough anymore. And I'm scared sometimes, because it's hard to remember everything beautiful that makes me thankful for this life. Still aching for a fresh start.



June 2, 2011

Faith

More often than not I find myself wondering what I put my faith into.
When I seek refuge and help, I go to others, but in my desperate time of need, I truly wish I had faith in God sometimes. As of right now, my only faith is in Karma. I believe what bad has happened to me came to me because I myself wasn't an honest person. I may have been selfish, lazy and spoiled. But so much goodness has also come into my life, more great than not. So I can only hope that I am a good person. I have come to realize that in the past years my mood is not always in my control and that my nerves are not made of steel but of simple strings like hair. I can only hope I can control these things and become more balanced. I seek science and math when seeing nature and life, not God. I feel like we were just all lucky enough to be a part of this extraordinary creation. But in that, the people found faith in what they thought was right. I am so so thankful I was allowed to choose my path of faith. Though I do not believe in many ideas, I believe that this life is like the endless knot, and that our soul is recycled into a new form, and how we have treated others and ourselves in the lifetimes we have is our judgment. Buddhism has really helped my accept my fate. Understanding that the universe will conspire to help me for doing good gives me faith. I can honestly believe in the Enlightenment. I used to meditate, now I just try with my might to make others happy. Some days it is hard, and I want to curl into my darkness, but I try to keep faith in doing what is right. So although I do not pray to a God, I have faith that when my time comes, I will be proved a good person and will be taken care of, no matter where my soul goes. Maktub, I do not fear my death.


Malcolm McCormick



i have a growing obsession for him.
not the music, and he looks so buggy and weird
but he looks like a ball of fun and i want to
be married to him for a week or so.

hopefully mike won't out.